Raising Resilient Children in a Competitive World

Gordon Gooding
1 day ago
8 min read

By Gordon Gooding, LCSW | Gooding Wellness Group, Cold Spring Harbor, NY

The Pressure Cooker of Modern Childhood

If you’re raising children on Long Island, you’ve likely felt it — the steady hum of competition that seems to start earlier every year. In conversations with local parents, many share the same concern: our kids are growing up in an environment that often feels more pressured than playful. I have seen this watching my own girls grow up through school and college and now I continue to see this trend in the families we serve.

Schools are discussing AP courses and college readiness long before many of our students are emotionally ready. Weekends once meant downtime, but now they’re filled with practices, lessons, and travel teams. The end of the school day is no longer sacred, but filled with additional school and recreational commitments. Parents swap schedules like battle plans, and true rest — the kind that allows kids to breathe and just be — is hard to find.

While structured activities can enrich our children’s lives, constant busyness comes at a cost. When we remove play, unstructured time, and adequate sleep, we rob kids of the chance to develop emotional resilience — the skill that protects mental health and fuels lifelong success.

At Gooding Wellness, we see this every day: bright, capable kids who love to achieve but are teetering on the edge of exhaustion

Understanding the Stress Curve: When Motivation Becomes Too Much

One of the best ways to understand stress and its impact on us is by looking at the Yerkes-Dodson Human Performance & Stress Curve. The Yerkes-Dodson Human Performance & Stress Curve helps explain what’s happening (see graphic above).

Too little stress can be unhealthy and fail to prepare our kids for the real world ahead. Too little stress results in low motivation and poor productivity, often leading to poor self image and a reduction in self worth.

The truth is a certain level of stress is actually healthy—it fuels motivation, focus, and growth. In this “green zone,” kids are engaged, challenged, and learning to push themselves.

But too much pressure—whether from school, peers, coaches, or even well-meaning parents—pushes them beyond that optimal point. Once they cross into the red zones of fatigue, exhaustion, and burnout, performance declines and passion fades. Activities that once sparked joy start to feel like work.

“When kids stop playing, stop sleeping, or stop smiling, it’s time to pause — not push. Resilience grows from recovery, not relentless performance.”

— Gordon Gooding, LCSW

Recognizing When Your Child Is Approaching Burnout

Parents often ask, “How do I know when to push and when to pause?” The truth is, burnout in children and teens doesn’t always look like it does in adults. It can show up subtly — as irritability, withdrawal, or even physical symptoms — long before it becomes a crisis.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), stress levels among teens now rival those of adults. In fact, more than 30% of adolescents report feeling overwhelmed or sad due to stress, and one in three high school students describe experiencing persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness in the past year 1. These numbers reflect a generation that’s striving for excellence but often at the expense of well-being.

Here are some signs your child may be edging out of that “green zone” of healthy motivation and into fatigue or burnout:

Loss of Joy: Activities they once loved now feel like obligations. When passion turns into pressure, the brain’s dopamine and reward systems shift — what was once energizing now feels draining.
Imbalance: Ignoring friendships, family time, or basic responsibilities to focus on one pursuit can signal unhealthy over-investment. The Gottman Institute refers to this as “achievement imbalance,” which can erode social and emotional skills over time.
Irritability or Withdrawal: When small frustrations lead to big emotions — anger, tears, or total shutdowns — it’s often a sign their nervous system is overloaded. The body’s stress hormone, cortisol, may be staying elevated even during rest.
Perfectionism: Refusal to start a project unless it will be “perfect” is not motivation — it’s anxiety in disguise. This is especially common among high-achieving students on Long Island where academic competition begins early.
Physical Complaints: Frequent headaches, stomachaches, or fatigue (especially before school, practice, or tests) often point to somatization — when emotional stress shows up in the body. Pediatricians report a sharp increase in these “functional” symptoms among children ages 10–17.
Sleep Disturbances: The Sleep Foundation notes that 70% of teens report getting less than the recommended 8–10 hours of sleep per night, often due to homework, screens, and late-night anxiety. Chronic fatigue blunts emotional regulation and motivation.

If you’re noticing several of these patterns, it may be time to re-evaluate schedules, expectations, and the family’s pace. Rest and balance are not signs of weakness — they’re essential components of resilience and high performance. Sometimes the most productive thing a child can do is to rest without guilt.

Building Resilience and Grit (Without Breaking Spirit)

Resilience isn’t about pushing harder — it’s about bouncing back stronger. Psychologist Angela Duckworth’s research on grit has shown that perseverance and passion for long-term goals predict success more than IQ or raw talent. But grit doesn’t come from over-scheduling or constant striving. It grows from manageable struggle, recovery, and the chance to make meaning from setbacks.

In fact, studies from Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child show that children build resilience not by avoiding adversity, but by having at least one supportive, consistent adult who helps them process it. It’s not the absence of stress that makes a child resilient — it’s learning how to regulate emotions, recover, and try again after things don’t go as planned.

This concept, that struggle builds strength, is essential for parents and educators to understand. As clinical psychologists at Columbia University’s Teachers College recently argued, schools that accommodate anxiety by eliminating stressors (e.g., excusing students from presentations or giving lighter workloads) are often making the problem worse. They point out that removing manageable challenges, like tests or public speaking, robs students of the opportunity to develop the competence and self-efficacy needed to navigate a challenging world. Resilience grows not from a stress-free environment, but from successfully confronting and moving through discomfort.

Here are some tools to help your child build healthy resilience — without burning out their spirit:

Normalize the Discomfort of “Not Being the Best”. It’s developmentally appropriate — even necessary — for children to experience frustration and disappointment. Research from the University of Pennsylvania links tolerance for frustration to improved problem-solving and emotional regulation later in life. When kids struggle, they build internal “stress inoculation,” learning that discomfort can be temporary and survivable.
Model Resilience: Parents Are the Weather. Children absorb emotional cues from parents. If we respond to challenges with panic, perfectionism, or shame, they’ll internalize those same messages. But if we show curiosity, humor, or patience, they learn that it’s okay to be imperfect. As I often remind parents: They don’t need you to be perfect — they need your presence.
Remember: Resilience Is a Muscle. Just like physical strength, resilience grows with small, repeated practice. Let your child face challenges that are appropriate for their age — and let them struggle a bit before you step in. If we rush to fix every problem, we rob them of the opportunity to discover their own strength.
Separate Effort from Outcome. Praise persistence and curiosity, not just performance. Research from Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck on the “growth mindset” shows that children praised for effort are more likely to embrace challenges, while those praised for talent tend to fear failure.
Validate Feelings, Then Add Facts. When your child is upset, start with empathy: “I can see you’re frustrated that your friend did better.” Then gently introduce perspective: “And I noticed how much effort you put in — you’re improving.” Teaching kids that feelings and facts can coexist helps them build emotional flexibility.
Know When to Push vs. When to Pause. Push when your child’s frustration stems from learning something new or a temporary challenge — that’s growth in action. But pause when you see signs of overwhelm, shutdown, or self-criticism. Emotional rest is part of progress.
Reframe Setbacks as Strength Builders. Adversity isn’t the enemy; it’s the training ground. As the legendary line from Rocky Balboa reminds us, “It’s not about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. That is how winning is done.”

“Our job isn’t to make sure our kids win, it’s to help them build the muscle that gets them back up when they don’t.”

- Gordon Gooding, LCSW

When children learn to face disappointment with support — not rescue — they build grit, confidence, and intrinsic motivation. Over time, they stop fearing failure and start seeing it as feedback.

Finding the Balance: The Green Zone of Growth

Every child has a different threshold for stress, challenge, and rest. Some thrive on packed schedules and structured activities, while others need wide stretches of unstructured time to recharge. The key isn’t eliminating stress — it’s helping our children find that “green zone” from the Performance & Stress Curve, where motivation, joy, and emotional health can coexist.

Why Downtime Matters More Than Ever

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) reminds us that free play isn’t a luxury — it’s a developmental necessity. Unstructured time fuels creativity, problem-solving, and emotional regulation. It strengthens the brain’s “control center” for focus and decision-making.

When kids are constantly scheduled, their nervous systems stay in a mild state of stress. Over time, this can interfere with sleep, mood, and even immune function. Research from Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child shows that chronic, unrelieved stress can alter neural pathways tied to learning and memory — while rest and supportive relationships help build resilience.

Put simply: balance isn’t just healthy — it’s protective.

Supporting the “Green Zone” at Home

To keep your family in the optimal zone of performance and well-being, consider small, realistic shifts:

Schedule downtime like you schedule everything else. Protect it. Unstructured rest isn’t wasted time; it’s recovery time.
Create technology boundaries. The average teen now spends over 7 hours a day on screens 2. Set aside device-free windows to help regulate overstimulated minds.
Prioritize movement, connection, and nurturance. Whether it’s biking at Heckscher Park, cooking together, or walking the dog — these three fundamentals help reset the nervous system.
Talk openly about stress. Normalize conversations about mental health, rest, and the difference between good stress and too much stress.
Model balance yourself. Children notice when parents choose calm, connection, or a good night’s sleep over constant doing. They’ll mirror that behavior more than any advice you give.

The Takeaway

Finding balance is not a one-time fix — it’s an ongoing practice. The goal isn’t to shield our kids from all discomfort or push them toward constant achievement, but to help them navigate both with confidence and grace.

By teaching our children to face challenges, take time to recover, and keep moving forward, we help them build the lifelong resilience that allows them to thrive, not just endure.

Resilience doesn’t grow from relentless performance. It grows from rhythm — the rise of challenge and the fall of rest — and the steady presence of parents who model both.

At Gooding Wellness, our team of clinicians is here to support families in finding that healthy middle ground. Together, we can help your children (and you) rediscover that balance between striving and simply being — the space where growth, joy, and resilience thrive.